Angela's Story...

My story started in my home. My brother was ten years older than me and growing up with him was sometimes a challenge. I recall vivid memories of him verbally abusing me over and over again calling me “ugly” and “stupid”. He had a demeaning song he would sing to me about my looks and abilities and would laugh as I pleaded with him to stop. I stood up for myself by telling him to stop, to point of always crying since he never stopped “teasing” me during this time. These hurtful words from my older brother broke my spirit and self-concept of myself at the early age of 3 years old. I know now that he was taking his own pain out on me since he was the victim of relentless bullying at middle school.

He was being verbally and physically abused at school and no one helped him or intervened. When I was 5 we moved to apartment complex and I started school. We moved again to another school and apartment complex when I was entering the 3rd grade and 8 years old. I met a tough girl named Crystal that summer in my new complex. She instantly was after me it seemed and tested our friendship boundaries on a daily basis. What I thought was my first new friend ended up being my first physical bully experience at the playground we shared.

I was always standing up for myself with my words by saying “stop” but it never seemed to work for me like I was hoping. She began to taunt me with cuss words and intimidation on a daily basis. The more I told her to stop, the more of a challenge for her. One day I recall it got physical between us and intense, powerful adrenaline was flooding my small body as we threw punches at each other with an active audience. I remember thinking how unnatural and violating this attack felt with each other, and I left the fight feeling very hopeless about my new environment. I went home, washed my face and told no one about the fight.

When I started my new school entering the 3rd grade, I was excited to meet new friends and work on my learning gaps from moving so around so much. In this setting I experienced my next bullying experience that is referred to social/ peer isolation. I recall vivid memories of no one offering to talk to me at lunch or play with me at recess. I spend much of my school days at this school alone wondering what was wrong with me. Why do people not like me? I don’t feel welcome here. I am sad.

I moved one last time to a house during Christmas break of my 5th grade year. We were super excited to move to a nice neighborhood with good schools. It was not easy entering a new school during this time since friendships seem to of been already established based on social status and athletic abilities. This left me little room to fit into my new school. It was here that I again experienced deep social isolation and exclusion that followed me all the way to middle school. This looks like not getting invited to parties, no one wanting your beeper number, sitting at lunch alone, or not being asked out by a boy.

In middle school, I was desperate to fit in like all people, and thought being funny would help me out. This back fired and I soon I became labeled the school “airhead” and “weirdo”. This form of verbal abuse often called “teasing” went on for way too long. I was called these names daily by the popular kids and I fell into a depression of not being able to be accepted by my peers, that I so desperately wanted approval from. Again saying “stop” did not work for me and it went on for what seemed forever because social pressure is real. Meaning it’s hard to do the right thing or be a good bystander when your peers are pressuring you to be unkind.

In high school, I was becoming self-reliant and could see thru the fake lies of being popular and cool. By this time I knew the game and its requirements of being accepted and I wanted no part of it. I surrounded myself with a small group of real good friends that appreciated my value and treated me with respect. However, I met Nancy on the school bus when I was a 16 year old junior and she was a 14 year old freshmen! I was sitting on the bus with my good friend, Jenny. My leg was resting on the seat in front of our seating area and Nancy came up to me and told me to move my leg. I told her “no” because my leg was not in her way and it was only in my seating area. She told me again to move it, or she was going to move it for me. I could feel the adrenaline coming on and getting upset at her request and was not going to allow her to have power over me and I told her a second time, “no”! That is when she raised her hand in the air and slapped me hard in the back of my head. Luckily, my bus stop was next and I ran off the bus and yelled at my friend Jenny for not helping me. Jenny said she was scared of her too and better me than her. I still give my best friend Jenny a hard time about this to this day in a light hearted way.

 From that day forward for the next 6 months, Nancy verbally abused me at school and on the bus with intimating cuss words and would literally chase me in the school hallway with her friends, forcing me to run in fear to class daily. I did not want to fight again, especially in high school because I was now on the drill team and would get kicked off for fighting. The big day came and she was going to fight me on campus during lunch. My good friend Elaine, actually showed Nancy where I ate lunch, which I still give her a hard time about this to this day, in a light hearted way. By this time, word had spread that a drill team girl (me) was going to get the crap beat of her by the bully, Nancy. All she got out of me that day was a hard push since my drill team teacher was right there and intervened and saved me from any more physical abuse.

As I walked the path of shame that day in front of my peers to the principal’s office, I felt so relieved that it was all out in the open and now I can finally share my story of torment to school officials. I recall breaking down in tears in the office. What people did not know about me during these 6 months of bullying is that my older and only brother, had just died of cancer when I first met Nancy on the bus that October day. I was extremely depressed and grieving prior to our first encounter on the bus and her abuse only fueled my deep depression. She had a profound effect on me for many years to come. Nancy is the reason I became a school counselor. I have told this story to thousands to students over the past 15 years during our bully prevention guidance lessons. The students all listen with open ears and sad eyes, because they know the realness of my pain, since we all share the same pain with our countless daily encounters with unkind people.

 I am a strong advocate for speaking up and reporting abuse to school officials and parents, yet deeply understand the fear of retaliation. Social isolation, verbal abuse, and physical abuse are all forms for bullying. It takes a village to learn how do deal with this if this is happening to you, whether you are the bully, victim, or bystander. We must collectively believe in the importance of developing skills of defending yourself with respect, reporting to adults, and feeling safe in the journey.